It is not our failures that haunt us, but it is the regrets that we harbor about those failures that do. So, while the former is often not in our control, the latter is!
I thought of constructing this quote after watching the short video interview that Jill Schlesinger of CBS conducted with James Althucher. It is posted on LinkedIns slideshare.net
In my coaching practice I often see many clients wearing their regrets on their sleeves as they come to me for help when they feel stuck, defeated, overslaughed, or when they get overwhelmed by the short runway they have left in their career before they can achieve what they often dreamt about. In a recent Allianz study about regrets professionals have about their careers the following statistics reveals how pervasive the feeling of regrets is for most on various fronts:
39% regret not following their dreams
38% regret not taking risks in their life
36% regret not taking risks in their new jobs
Although each category above is not orthogonal to the others (e.g., some of those not following their dreams also did not take enough risks in their new jobs) the results of this study reminds us of how we live our lives (of regrets) and how we become victims of our own past by dwelling on those regrets. As Althucher points out in that conversation it is not the failures that kill us (the first arrow in our back), but it is the regrets that keep haunting us afterwards (many arrows of constant regrets that we inflict on ourselves) that do.
In my Client Intake Questionnaire one item that clients often respond to is centered around the regrets they harbor about their past. Most respond to this by listing the risks that they did not take, especially when they realize, looking back, that some risks would have been worth taking. Some clients are even unable to move forward, not because of their failure, but how that failure appears to their friends and their loved ones. They often fail to realize that such people are often too busy with their own lives to give much thought to others station in their lives. Here, too, the sense of schadenfreude they fear their friends will relish is also of their own making.
So, here is my advice when the regrets you harbor from your past paralyze you enough to not take actions today to move forward in a positive direction:
1.We all have many failures from the past to ruminate on. So, instead of focusing on all your failures, focus on the few that really had a lesson of growth and analyze what you would do differently only on those few that really matter. Use that learning to grow your perspective and guide others with that shared learning. When you are guiding others with your lessons, tell them your personal story and make that conversation intimate and authentic.
2.Get rid of all regrets you have about the lesser failures and replace them with the lessons of the ones that really helped you grow. Actively work on shedding the regrets clutter with which you crowd your mind.
3.Look at all your successes in your own life and put them in perspective. When you make a balance sheet of your successes and failures, youll realize that the fact that youre at a point in your life able to do this audit is alone source of your success. Let that thought propel you forward in a positive direction.
4.Stay away from those who constantly brag about their successes and flaunt their achievements in every interaction you have with them. When you are feeling low and your self-esteem has taken a beating avoid cavorting with such individuals. Instead, work with those less fortunate and share your own failures with them and how you overcame them. Youll find this much more empowering than mingling with your schadenfreude club.
5.Make a realistic plan for moving forward in a direction that energizes you and apply all your energies to making that plan work for you. Get the support of those close to you and make them part of that plan.
Recovering from past failures is mostly a psychological battle; a battle you can win because it is entirely within your control how you want to play it. So, if you are in a funk because of your past failures, reboot and start a new chapter in your life and move forward with force and confidence!
Good luck!
| About Author | |
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Dilip has distinguished himself as LinkedIn’s #1 career coach from among a global pool of over 1,000 peers ever since LinkedIn started ranking them professionally (LinkedIn selected 23 categories of professionals for this ranking and published this ranking from 2006 until 2012). Having worked with over 6,000 clients from all walks of professions and having worked with nearly the entire spectrum of age groups—from high-school graduates about to enter college to those in their 70s, not knowing what to do with their retirement—Dilip has developed a unique approach to bringing meaning to their professional and personal lives. Dilip’s professional success lies in his ability to codify what he has learned in his own varied life (he has changed careers four times and is currently in his fifth) and from those of his clients, and to apply the essence of that learning to each coaching situation. After getting his B.Tech. (Honors) from IIT-Bombay and Master’s in electrical engineering(MSEE) from Stanford University, Dilip worked at various organizations, starting as an individual contributor and then progressing to head an engineering organization of a division of a high-tech company, with $2B in sales, in California’s Silicon Valley. His current interest in coaching resulted from his career experiences spanning nearly four decades, at four very diverse organizations–and industries, including a major conglomerate in India, and from what it takes to re-invent oneself time and again, especially after a lay-off and with constraints that are beyond your control. During the 45-plus years since his graduation, Dilip has reinvented himself time and again to explore new career horizons. When he left the corporate world, as head of engineering of a technology company, he started his own technology consulting business, helping high-tech and biotech companies streamline their product development processes. Dilip’s third career was working as a marketing consultant helping Fortune-500 companies dramatically improve their sales, based on a novel concept. It is during this work that Dilip realized that the greatest challenge most corporations face is available leadership resources and effectiveness; too many followers looking up to rudderless leadership. Dilip then decided to work with corporations helping them understand the leadership process and how to increase leadership effectiveness at every level. Soon afterwards, when the job-market tanked in Silicon Valley in 2001, Dilip changed his career track yet again and decided to work initially with many high-tech refugees, who wanted expert guidance in their reinvention and reemployment. Quickly, Dilip expanded his practice to help professionals from all walks of life. Now in his fifth career, Dilip works with professionals in the Silicon Valley and around the world helping with reinvention to get their dream jobs or vocations. As a career counselor and life coach, Dilip’s focus has been career transitions for professionals at all levels and engaging them in a purposeful pursuit. Working with them, he has developed many groundbreaking approaches to career transition that are now published in five books, his weekly blogs, and hundreds of articles. He has worked with those looking for a change in their careers–re-invention–and jobs at levels ranging from CEOs to hospital orderlies. He has developed numerous seminars and workshops to complement his individual coaching for helping others with making career and life transitions. Dilip’s central theme in his practice is to help clients discover their latent genius and then build a value proposition around it to articulate a strong verbal brand. Throughout this journey, Dilip has come up with many groundbreaking practices such as an Inductive Résumé and the Genius Extraction Tool. Dilip owns two patents, has two publications in the Harvard Business Review and has led a CEO roundtable for Chief Executive on Customer Loyalty. Both Amazon and B&N list numerous reviews on his five books. Dilip is also listed in Who’s Who, has appeared several times on CNN Headline News/Comcast Local Edition, as well as in the San Francisco Chronicle in its career columns. Dilip is a contributing writer to several publications. Dilip is a sought-after speaker at public and private forums on jobs, careers, leadership challenges, and how to be an effective leader. |
Website: http://dilipsaraf.com/?p=2767
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